


Zip Zip Zip

by unoriginal_liz



Series: lwd himym au of doom [4]
Category: Life with Derek
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-15
Updated: 2012-07-15
Packaged: 2018-07-23 22:07:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7481754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unoriginal_liz/pseuds/unoriginal_liz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I mean, sure, Derek's soul is probably small and withered from neglect, but that doesn’t change the fact that <i>it exists</i>.  And it’s my duty as a fellow human being – and friend – to nurture it.  Like that spider plant I just bought.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Zip Zip Zip

**Author's Note:**

> Er...obviously reworked from Zip Zip Zip.

**_“Kids, you remember the story of your Uncle Derek’s first relationship, and how we finally got him to open up about it?”_ **

**_“It’s kind of a hard story to forget, Dad.”_ **

**_“Yeah, I guess it was kind of memorable.”_ **

**_“Actually, I was talking about how you just finished telling it five minutes ago.”_ **

**_“…Anyway, getting back to the story” –_ **

**_“Which one?”_ **

**_“ – Derek’s confession had…kind of an unexpected side effect.”_ **

 

*****

 

Casey made her way through the bar, to where Sam, Kendra, Emily and Sheldon were sitting. With a flourish, she produced two tickets, and placed them on the table. 

“There,” she said, addressing Sam. “It wasn’t easy, but I finally got them. You can stop the silent treatment now.”

No-one spoke. “I said you could _stop_ the silent treatment,” Casey repeated.

“Okay,” Sam said. “Consider it…stopped.”

Casey beamed.

“So…what are the tickets for?”

“Friday night, you and me, the World Famous Fickletones Throat-Singing Concert?”

Sam blinked at her, and the smile faded from her face.

“Remember – a couple of months ago? I told you about it, and you said you’d love to go if I could get the tickets?”

Sam didn’t look any more enlightened. “Sorry,” he said.

Casey slumped into her seat. “I can’t believe you don’t remember.” She straightened suddenly. “And wait a minute – if you forgot, why have you been giving me the silent treatment all week?”

“The silent treatment?” Sam asked.

“Sam. Come on,” Sheldon agreed, spreading his arms wide. “You have to admit, it’s been pretty tense for the last few days.” He turned to Emily, looking for support, but she just shrugged in incomprehension. “Wow. I thought we just weren’t talking about it. You really didn’t feel it?”

“She’s not the only one,” Sam said. “Casey – I don’t know where you got the idea I was giving you the silent treatment, but – I wasn’t. I would never do that to you.”

“Yeah,” Kendra chimed in, placing a supportive hand on his arm. “He probably just forgot about you.”

“Thanks,” Casey said, looking down at her tickets. “That’s…good to hear.”

Another silence fell before Sam jumped in suddenly with, “But - I’d love to go with you to that concert. It…sounds like fun.”

“Oh, sure it does!” Kendra agreed, winking at Sam. “But – Friday is date night, and we have plans.” She leaned in closer to Sam, and in a piercing whisper, she said, “You can thank me later.”

“Oh,” Casey said. “Of course. You two have plans. Obviously. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that.”

Sam looked at Casey. “Yeah,” he said. “But – Kendra and I could always move date night to another night. I mean, if it’s important to you…”

“No,” Casey said, managing a smile. “It’s – it’s fine. I just – thought you wanted to go, that’s all.” She turned to Emily. “Do _you_ want the extra tick” –

“No can do,” Sheldon cut in, just as Emily opened her mouth. “Friday night, she’s all mine. We’re looking at colour schemes and wedding stationery. It’s invitation only,” he said, throwing an arm around Emily.

“Yeah,” Emily said, still looking at Casey’s slightly disappointed expression. “But – we could always reschedule, right? It’s not like throat-singing is something that happens every day. It’s not, right?” she asked Casey.

“But – this is the third time we’ve had to reschedule, Em,” Sheldon said. “There was that Welcome Back party at your school for that teacher who came back from Australia, and the other two times you had a headache, remember?”

“Reliving the last one right now,” Emily said.

“If you’re finding it stressful, I could always help out,” Kendra offered. She studied Emily sympathetically. “I can only imagine how demanding planning a wedding can be when style clearly isn’t something that comes naturally.”

“Thanks,” Sheldon said, “but it’s okay. I have everything organised – the colour schemes are soothing and tranquil, the fonts on the wedding invitations are unique, yet legible – and I have three types of painkillers on hand just in case.”

He smiled at Emily, who gestured at Casey, and said, “Yeah, but” –

“It’s okay,” Casey said. “You should plan your wedding. I’m fine. Really.” She cleared her throat and said, too casually, “Maybe I’ll just ask Derek.”

Everyone stared at her, while she did an admirable job of pretending she didn’t feel the weight of their gazes.

Finally, Sam said, “Why?”

“What do you mean why?” she asked. “Derek and I are friends.”

“Uh, since when?” Emily asked.

“Since always,” Casey told her. 

“Two weeks ago, you called him ‘an affront to humanity’,” Emily pointed out.

“That was good-natured teasing. That’s the kind of relationship we have.”

“It didn’t seem like good-natured teasing,” Emily said.

“Maybe it was the way you started throwing your shoes at him,” Sam stopped. “And at anyone who happened to be standing in front of him.”

“It was like a game of Russian Stiletto,” Sheldon agreed.

Seeing that neither Emily nor Sam seemed to be buying it, Casey admitted, “Okay, fine. Maybe things between Derek and I haven’t always been…smooth, but that was before I knew about,” she leaned close and whispered, “… _Sally_.”

“What about Sally?” Sam asked. “How does that change your and Derek’s relationsh – friendsh – I’m having trouble coming up with an adjective that fits here.”

“Don’t you see? Sally proves that Derek has a _soul_.” 

“And…Derek having a soul changes the fact that you two don’t get along?” Sam asked.

“Yes,” Casey said, as if boggled that Sam should even have to ask. “It changes everything. I mean, sure, Derek's soul is probably small and withered from neglect, but – that doesn’t change the fact that _it exists_. And it’s my duty as a fellow human being – and friend – to nurture it. Like that spider plant I just bought.”

**_Kids, you know your Aunt Casey’s famous losing streak with plants…?_ **

Everyone absorbed this in silence for a moment. 

“And does _Derek_ know you two are friends now?” Emily asked, delicately tapping her fingertips off the table.

“Well, we haven’t exactly talked about it – I don’t think we’re ready for heartfelt open discussions in our friendship just yet” –

“I know what you mean,” Sheldon said. “And I think you’re right to take it slow. I mean, we’ve been friends for years, and Derek still calls me an ‘acquaintance’.” He continued, as if trying to convince himself, “I think it’s like a pet name.” He paused. “But…with a sting.”

Emily absently patted his hand.

“Exactly,” Casey said. “Derek clearly has trust issues, and it’s going to take a lot of hard work and patience to help him understand that…he doesn’t have to go it alone. He can confide in me.”

“That – sounds like a trouble to go to just for Derek,” Sam pointed out.

“Yeah, but – think about the emotional payoff,” Sheldon said. “I mean, Derek always puts up that textbook tough-guy front. Imagine being the one to…break down his barriers, the one he finally...” he trailed off, unable to finish, clearly moved. 

Casey nodded, animated. “The feelgood moment is going to be really intense,” she agreed, practically wriggling in her seat.

“Wow – well then, you should be happy to hear that your feelgood moment just walked in,” Emily said, sounding bemused. She nodded over Casey’s shoulder, to the bar where Derek was ordering a drink.

“Good,” Casey said, straightening her clothes. “This is the perfect opportunity to ask him to the concert.”

“Uh – Casey,” Sam said carefully. “Listen – I think it’s great that you’re being so…sensitive to Derek’s feelings, but – Derek’s not really a sensitive guy, and he doesn’t exactly respond well to – being pressured.” He looked apologetic as he said, “I just don’t know if this is the right way to handle Derek. Especially since he just told us about Sally. Speaking as someone who’s been his friend for a really long time, maybe the best thing for you…for _everyone_ …to do is – back off a little.”

“Back off?” Casey repeated.

“No offence,” Sam said. “It’s just, I’ve known Derek longer than anyone – I’m his best friend, and” –

“And _you_ didn’t know about Sally until last week, either,” Casey said.

Sam frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that your ‘backing off’ strategy doesn’t work. It’s not like you know more about Derek than any of us.”

“I know lots of stuff about Derek,” he protested. “Stuff no-one else knows. Ask me about what happened on Derek’s sixteenth birthday – go on.”

“Okay, maybe you do know some things about him,” Casey conceded, “But not the _important_ things. It’s not like Derek trusts you anymore than anyone else. It’s not like he confides in you. Otherwise, you’d have known about Sally.” She tilted her chin up, a look of triumph on her face.

“So, what? Just because Derek didn’t tell me about one ex-girlfriend, I’m not his best friend?” Sam asked, sounding more confused than annoyed.

“She’s not _one_ ex-girlfriend. She’s _the_ ex-girlfriend. She’s the – the formative experience of Derek’s life. And the fact that he didn’t tell you about her – that says everything.” 

“It tells me that Derek was embarrassed,” Sam told her, gently. “And that you’re going to be disappointed if you think that there’s more to it – more to Derek – than that.”

Kendra squeezed his arm, and said, “Well, Sammy – this might be a valuable experience for Casey. I mean, look at her – she obviously needs to get used to disappointment.” She made eye contact with Casey, and mouthed, “You’re welcome!” at her.

“I just – I know Derek,” Sam said, “And – don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy…but – on his own terms. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

She looked at him for a moment, before saying, “Real friends don’t back off when it’s important. Real friends push and demand honesty. Otherwise…they’re not friends. They’re just…acquaintances.”

“Are we talking about Sheldon?” Derek asked, putting down his drink. He nodded formally in his direction as he sat down. “Always good to run into you.”

“That’s uh, that’s…good,” Sheldon mumbled, blinking down at the table. “Good one, Derek.”

Emily sighed and patted his hand once again. 

“Derek – we’re friends, right?” Casey said, turning in her seat to face him. 

“Of course,” Derek said, without even missing a beat. At everyone’s shocked looks, he said, “What? Humouring the crazy person is basic crazy.”

The half-smile Sam shot in Casey’s direction was sympathetic, but tinged with a hint of ‘I told you so.’ It made Casey press her lips together and straighten up. “Well,” she said, almost pleasantly through gritted teeth, “maybe you can humour me some more this Friday, at a throat-singing concert?”

“Sure,” Derek said. “Love to.”

Amazed and disbelieving stares were exchanged across the table.

“Really?” she said, sounding taken aback, but happy. “That’s – that’s great!” She grabbed her handbag and got to her feet. “I have to go – but I’ll call you! This is going to be so much fun!” She turned to leave, only to pivot on her heel and say, “Oh! Just in case I forget – this concert is kind of an elegant and intimate affair, so – suit up… _buddy_.”

She made a face like she had even made herself a little uncomfortable, but rallied with a quick, awkward pat in the direction of Derek’s shoulder before scurrying away.

After she had left, Sam frowned at Derek. “Did you mean that?” he asked. “Are you really going to go with her to that concert?”

Derek shrugged. “If she can track me down.”

*****

**“Kids, it might seem strange that I was so worried about your Aunt Casey spending time with your Uncle Derek” –**

**“Not really. It’s not any stranger than the story of how you met everyone in the world except Mom.”**

**“ – but the truth was” –**

“I know it sounds a little weird, but…I kind of feel – responsible for Casey,” Sam called to Kendra.

She stepped out of her bathroom and said, hand on her heart, “Sammy – that is so _sweet_. But you’re not responsible for Casey – that’s all down to genetics and poor fashion choices.” She disappeared into the bathroom again.

“I _meant_ , Emily and Sheldon are all focused on the wedding – or at least, Sheldon is” –

“He does have Bridezilla tendencies,” Kendra agreed, voice echoing off the tiles. “I see it all the time in my line of work.”

“– and now _we’re_ ,” Sam gestured between himself and the bathroom door, “spending so much time together…I guess Casey’s feeling a little left out.”

“Then maybe it’s a good thing that she’s trying to hang out with Derek,” Kendra said, exiting the bathroom once more.

“Are you kidding? The last time I hung out with Derek, I nearly ended up getting a tattoo – and I’m used to dealing with him. Casey’s not really equipped to deal with Derek – and she shouldn’t have to.”

Kendra walked over, stopping right in front of Sam. “So – what do you want us to do about it?”

“I don’t know…maybe we should try to include her more?”

Kendra considered this. “Okay,” she said, and put her knee on the bed, leaning over Sam. “But – maybe…not right now?”

 

*****

 

**“But the funny thing was, Casey didn’t seem to want to be part of our plans.”**

“I thought Friday night was date night?” Casey said, frowning.

Sam looked at Kendra. “Well, it kind of is…but that doesn’t mean you can’t come along. We’re just hanging out, anyway.”

“But won’t it be kind of awkward? Me, being part of your date night?”

“Of course not!” Kendra assured her. “By now, you’re like…part of the furniture to us.” She flapped a dismissive hand. 

“Thanks,” Casey said, smile twisting her mouth, “but I already have plans on Friday. Remember, Derek’s going to the concert with me.”

“Yeah,” Sam said, stretching the word out a little too long, unsure in spite of his continued head-nodding.

“He’s going,” Casey told him.

 

*****

 

“So you’re _not_ going?” Sam said. He sighed into his cell phone.

“Of course I’m going,” Derek said, and paused. “Just…in the opposite direction to wherever Casey’s headed.”

“Right,” Sam said. He ran a hand through his hair and asked, a little hesitantly, “…are you okay? Because – you can…” he took a deep breath and rushed out the next words, “talk to me, if you’re not.”

He waited. “…Derek? D? You still there?”

“Not for long if you keep saying stuff like that. Did you just get chick-flicked into submission, or something?”

Sam sighed. “I just meant – you can be honest with me.”

“I just was,” Derek pointed out.

“Right.” Sam closed his eyes. “Of course. I can’t believe I thought you might have some…deeper feelings.”

“Me either,” Derek agreed.

“ _But_ ,” Sam continued, “Casey really thinks you’re going with her to the concert.” He raised his voice as he heard noise in the background on Derek’s end. “So maybe you could call her, at least?”

More noise, like a door being unlocked, and then Derek said, “Or I could tell her to her face,” and hung up.

 

*****

 

“What are you doing here?” Derek asked. The cell phone in his hand buzzed, which he ignored in favour of staring at Casey.

“Picking you up for the concert,” she told him, like it was obvious.

“No – I mean, what are you doing _here_. You don’t know where I live.”

“I’m a television reporter, Derek,” she said. “I have my sources.” She stepped inside his apartment, and continued, glancing around, “I won’t say that Operation _Black Flag_ was without its challenges, but” –

“Emily told you, didn’t she?”

Casey visibly deflated. “I told her she could make a game out of it by devising a series of increasingly intricate clues, but she said she didn’t have time.”

“ _We_ can play a game if you want,” Derek said. “How about, you go over here,” he grabbed her arm and tried to usher her into a corner, “close your eyes and count to a hundred…and then see if you can find me.”

He nodded encouragingly, but Casey pulled her arm out of his grasp. “We don’t have to go to the concert if you don’t want to,” she said. “Even if it is a once in a lifetime opportunity to hear some world famous two tone harmonies,” she added, as if she couldn’t help herself.

“We don’t?” Derek said, eyeing her suspiciously.

“No,” she said. “After all, one of the central tenets of friendship is compromise.”

“We’re not friends,” Derek pointed out.

“Yet.”

“ _Ever_.”

She folded her arms. “Give me one good reason why we _shouldn’t_ be friends. And,” she held up a hand as he opened his mouth, “it can’t have anything to do with divergent personalities or opposing viewpoints. Whether or not you personally like me is irrelevant.”

“Right. Because free will is obviously something your friends don’t have.”

“No, because I think differences in opinion don’t have to be an insurmountable obstacle, and can in fact strengthen and/or deepen a relationship,” Casey clarified. “So – if you can’t think of a reason” –

“Of course I can think of a reason,” he said immediately. “The biggest, most important reason of all…?” He raised his eyebrows at Casey, as if he expected her to immediately understand. When she didn’t, he hinted, “It’s kind of obvious?”

She shook her head at him slightly, still clearly not getting it, and he rolled his eyes and explained. “I’m a guy and you’re…trying really hard to pass as female.”

“And?” Casey asked, rising above the needling.

“And – guys and girls can’t be friends. It’s a basic fact of life.”

“That’s it? _That’s_ why we can’t be friends? That’s not a reason, that’s a sloppy generality – and I can prove it. What about Emily?”

“What about Emily?”

She spelled it out. “You’re ‘just friends’ with Emily, and _she’s_ not a guy.”

“Yeah – she’s the exception,” he said, stressing the word ‘exception.’

Casey stared at him, and he explained, “You know – the _exception_? Every rule has one – and if you find it early enough, then there’s no chance it’ll come back to bite you in the ass when you don’t expect it.”

She blinked at him. “That’s just” –

“Logical?”

Casey took a deep breath. “This is great,” she said brightly. “I’m learning so much about you already. For example, you…have a really weird definition of logic.” She shook her head and returned to the original subject, “So – are we doing to the concert, or do you want to just hang out and talk?”

Derek stared at her. 

 

*****

 

“He’s not answering,” Sam said, frowning at the cell phone in his hand.

“Great!” Kendra said. “Now we have date night all to ourselves.” She took the phone from Sam’s hands. “So – here we are. Your old sheets have been replaced with sheets that have an actual thread count, and we can’t leave your bedroom on pain of Sheldon.”

She placed the cell phone on his bedside locker and sat down on the bed, “You know what I’m thinking?” She leaned back on her elbows and directed a flirtatious smile his way.

There was an awkward pause before Sam seemed to get with the programme. “Yeah,” he said hastily. “Yeah. _Great_ ,” as he moved to join her.

 

*****

 

**“So while Kendra and I were – having that really long and detailed conversation about current events, your Aunt Emily and your Uncle Sheldon were discussing wedding invitations.”**

“I don’t know,” Emily said, squinting hopelessly at the two invitations Sheldon was holding up in front of her. “They both look the same to me.”

“Superficially,” Sheldon agreed. “But if you look closer…” He put both invitations on the coffee table. To Emily’s disbelieving amazement, he then produced a magnifying glass. “See the ‘d’s? The Operina font is more stately, more traditional – while the Romano typeface is a little edgier.” 

He put down the magnifying glass and looked up at Emily, awaiting her decision. “So…?”

“I guess it all depends on just how many old-school detectives we plan on inviting,” she said, rubbing her temples.

*****

**“The thing was – even though Kendra and I were having a…great conversation, and we were really connecting – with our words – I just couldn’t stop thinking about Casey, so…”**

Sam pushed Kendra away and sat up. “Um – this is really great. _Really_ great. But – maybe you could just…hold that thought for a minute?”

“I’m trying,” Kendra said, “But it’s kind of hard to _hold it_ , if you keep _moving_.”

“Two minutes, I promise,” Sam said, grabbing his cell phone off the nightstand.

It wasn’t until the fourth try, fifteen minutes later, that Derek picked up. By then Kendra was sitting up, legs crossed, and tapping her right foot on the floor.

“Where are you?” Sam asked. “Why didn’t you pick up the last three times I called?”

“Sorry,” Derek said. “I guess I couldn’t hear you over the sound of that chick singing a duet…with _herself_.”

Sam blinked. “You mean, you actually went? You’re at the throat-singing concert?”

“No. I’m _leaving_ the throat singing concert,” Derek corrected. “Lucky for me a Casey kidnapping follows legal guidelines about health and safety…including bathroom breaks.”

“So you’re going to sneak out? While Casey thinks you’re in the bathroom? Don’t you think you should at least – tell her you’re leaving?”

“I told her I wasn’t going to this concert, and look how that turned out.”

“Derek,” Sam began, only to stop at the sound of cursing on the other end of the line. “Is everything okay?”

“Is that Sam?” he heard a familiar voice say. “Let me talk to him.”

“Casey?” he said, over what sounded like struggling.

“Sam! Hey!”

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Great!” she said. “I’m great. Derek’s great. And _we_ are having a great time at the throat-singing concert!”

“Really? Because it kind of sounded like” –

“Okay…maybe not a _great_ time,” she admitted, “but – Derek is here, and that’s” –

“Impressive,” Sam owned.

“And I knew from the start that becoming Derek’s friend was going to be a trial by fire, and – where did he go? Sam – Sam, I have to go! Talk to you soon!”

“Casey? Casey – wait! Did you say fire? If Derek is setting things on fire you should definitely get out of there. Casey? _Casey?”_

He turned to Kendra with an apologetic look. “I just” – he gestured at the phone in his hand.

Kendra stared down at her lap, before looking up and offering him a perky, “Sure. Go right ahead.”

 

*****

 

Casey caught up with Derek before he reached the door. “Aren’t you forgetting something?” she asked, proffering his cellphone. “Several somethings, as a matter of fact?” 

Derek frowned as he stared down at his coat, folded over Casey’s arm. He frowned even more as he noticed that she was wearing her own coat.

“You guessed I’d make a break for it,” he said.

“Maybe I know you better than you think,” she said. “So…where are we headed now?”

“Opposite directions?” Derek suggested, sidestepping her.

“Mind if I tag along?” Casey asked, following.

Derek stopped and wheeled around to face her. “Actually, I kind of do. See, that interferes with the whole ‘me wanting you to leave me alone’ thing I have going. So…see ya, and thanks for playing.” He started walking again.

“You don’t _want_ me to leave you alone,” Casey said, chasing after him and managing, by dint of extensive and awkward footwork, to maneuver herself in front of him. 

He looked pointedly at her hands, which were now grabbing his upper arms, and she removed them, while also taking the opportunity to clarify her point, “You might _think_ you want me to leave you alone – but really, you don’t.”

“Right,” he agreed with an eyeroll. “I only _think_ I want things. And you’re getting this idea…from what exactly?”

“It’s not from what – it’s from who,” Casey corrected. “ _Sally_.”

He stared at her. “Sally?”

“Think about it,” Casey told him. “Ever since Sally, you’ve committed yourself to a life of shallow, meaningless flings” –

“I know,” Derek said. “And it’s awesome.”

“But that’s not all – you do that with your friends too. It’s all…surface with you.”

“Yeah – a _cool_ surface.”

“You keep saying you don’t want to hang out with me, and you don’t want to talk to me…but the fact is – you _need_ me. You _need_ someone who demands more of you, someone who wants you to – just be _you_. Not the stupid cool guy – the guy _underneath_ all that. And if you think the cool surface and all your awesome flings are so cool and awesome, then why were you so broken up over Sally – _years_ later?” 

She took a step closer to him. “Face it, Derek – you don’t just _need_ me in your life – you _want_ me here.”

Neither of them blinked as they stared at each other. Finally Derek cleared his throat. “Or…I mean it when I say I don’t want to hang out with you.”

Casey took a step backwards, but said, brightly, “So – where to now, buddy?”

 

*****

 

**“Of course, as it turned out, Derek and Casey weren’t the only ones having communication problems.”**

“I don’t know,” Emily said, pinching the bridge of her nose. “The first one?”

“Really?” Sheldon asked. “Because ecru totally clashes with our table settings.”

“Okay then, the second one.”

‘Yeah…I don’t know,” Sheldon said, wrinkling his nose at the place card. “I know they always say ‘bigger is better’ but…I’m just not feeling the sizing.”

Emily collapsed back against the couch, and stared at the ceiling. “You know,” she said, “Maybe Kendra was right.”

“No,” Sheldon disagreed. “I still think red looks good on you – no matter what everyone else says.”

Emily pressed her lips together before saying, “I meant – about the wedding. Maybe we _should_ hire her. She’d probably give us a discount.”

“Hire Kendra? You want to – let her plan our wedding?” Sheldon clasped the placecards protectively to his chest.

“Not the important things,” Emily said, “not like – the dress or the cake. Just – maybe she could take care of some of the…smaller details. Like – the place settings.”

“But – it’s those little touches that make a wedding special,” Sheldon protested. “I mean – what are we going to say to Melanie when she asks about the day we got married?”

“Who’s Melanie?” Emily asked.

“Our daughter,” Sheldon said.

They traded matching confused glances before Emily said, “We don’t have a daughter, Sheldon.”

“Not yet,” Sheldon told her. “But within three years it’s going to be a different story.”

“Three years?” Emily repeated.

“If everything goes according to plan, by then you should be in your second trimester,” Sheldon said. He smiled affectionately at Emily’s stomach, which Emily quickly covered with her hands.

“You’re planning for our family?” she said. “Already?”

“It _is_ the kind of thing people plan for,” Sheldon said.

“I know, but – you’re really thinking that far ahead?”

“I kind of have to.”

She blinked. “Why?”

Sheldon took a deep breath. “Em – baby, my little fluffernut” –

“Still not on the approved list,” she murmured absently.

“ – you’re not exactly a forward planner. And I say that with love,” he finished hastily. “But, it does mean that – I’m planning for two. Well – three to five,” he added, with another speculative glance in the direction of her stomach, “According to your mother, twins run in your side of the family.”

Emily took a deep breath, and then another. “I feel sick.”

“What? Baby – is something wrong?”

“Yes something is wrong,” she said. “Sheldon – we haven’t even put a down payment on a place yet – and you’re already subletting my uterus…without my consent!”

“Actually, I think you’ll find that the definition of subletting is” –

“Whatever the definition is – this isn’t normal!” Emily told him.

“Em –what” –

They both turned as Sam’s bedroom door opened and Kendra popped out. “Hi guys!”

Emily closed her eyes for a second, then said, with an effort, “Um, Kendra – sorry, but we’re kind of in the middle of something here.”

“Believe me, you won’t even know I’m here,” Kendra chirped as she scurried across the living room and into Emily and Sheldon’s bedroom. Emily and Sheldon looked at each other and then at their slightly ajar bedroom door.

“Do you two have any empty boxes lying around?” Kendra called.

 

*****

 

“So…you’re my friend now,” Derek said, as he scanned the bar.

“Absolutely,” Casey said.

“Then – if you’re my friend – you should have no problem hooking me up with…her,” he said, gesturing with his glass to a pretty red-headed woman in a sparkly top and tight jeans, standing over by the jukebox.

“Friendship isn’t about ‘hooking you up’ with women,” Casey told him.

He shrugged. “And that’s how you fail the first test. Oh…look at that. Guess we’re not friends after all.” He crossed his arms and smirked in triumph.

Casey narrowed her eyes at him, before marching across the bar, and engaging in an animated conversation with the woman in the sparkly top. Derek frowned as they both made their way over to him.

“Derek – this is Shannon,” Casey said, presenting the woman with a wave of her hand. “Shannon, Derek.”

Derek squinted suspiciously at Casey before offering his hand to Shannon and saying, “Hey.”

“Hi,” Shannon smiled tucked her hair behind her ear. “Your friend has really been talking you up.”

“She…has?” Derek darted a sidelong glance at Casey.

“Yeah. Why do you think I came over here?” she asked. “Hey – do you maybe want to” –

Casey tapped her on the shoulder. “Okay – you’ve proved my point. You can leave now.”

Shannon blinked. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Thank you for taking the time to come over and introduce yourself, but my friend isn’t available right now.” Casey made encouraging scooting motions with her hands, and Shannon, looking confused and slightly annoyed, walked away.

“You don’t have to go!” Derek called after her – but she ignored him.

“Of course she does,” Casey said. “Are you forgetting – tonight is a friends only event.”

“Then I guess that means you’re not invited.”

“What? After I proved my credentials and introduced you to that girl?”

“Wow,” Derek said. “If that’s your definition of ‘hook up’ then there’s the reason you’re single. Well, one of the reasons,” he amended, looking her up and down.

Casey crossed her arms. “While I am open to compromise, I refuse to abandon my principles. That’s what makes me a good friend.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Derek said. “Since we’re not friends.”

“ _Yet_.”

He turned to her. “Okay,” he said. “Give me one reason why we should be friends” – Casey opened her mouth and he held up his hand – “A good reason. One _real_ reason why we would ever decide to spend time together. And it can’t involve guns.”

Casey stared at him.

“Having trouble?” he asked.

She straightened. “Fine,” she said. “You want a reason? I’ve got a reason. Emily and Sheldon are getting married. And, even though _you_ told me he wasn’t ready to settle down, it looks like Sam and Kendra are getting serious too. So, the way things are going – it seems like we really don’t have a _choice_ about becoming friends. You don’t have anyone else, and – thanks to your stupid advice, neither do I. So maybe you need to just _get used to this_.” She whirled around and pushed her way through a small crowd of people. 

Derek found her a few minutes later, sitting at a booth.

“You’re mad at me,” he said, with dawning comprehension. “ _That’s_ why you dragged me to that stupid concert.”

“I’m not mad at you,” she said. “I’m mad at _me_ for listening to you. I should have known better. Also - the Fickletones are a highly acclaimed music act, and if you can’t appreciate them, that’s _your_ loss.”

She kept staring down at the grained wood of the booth table until the silence got to be too much for her. She looked up to find Derek eyeing her. “What?” she asked.

“Talking is…not a good look for you,” he said. “So – I think we should go somewhere that’s conversation-optional.”

Casey held his gaze for a moment before nodding, once. As she got to her feet, she asked, “Why _did_ you warn me about Sam that time? I mean – you didn’t even know me, so it can’t have been because you didn’t like me. So why did you say it?”

“I don’t know,” Derek said. “And why do you care _why_ I said it. Maybe I was bored. Or maybe it’s true.”

Casey shook her head. “Except now Sam is in a serious relationship with Kendra. Which kind of contradicts your whole ‘telling the truth’ angle.”

“Yeah…but I don’t think Sam realizes they’re serious.”

Casey looked disbelieving. “Kendra’s practically living with him. How do you miss something like that?”

Derek shrugged and together, they left the bar.

 

*****

 

“Come on, Derek,” Sam muttered. He groaned as Derek’s phone rang out yet again, and flopped back on the bed.

Kendra entered carrying a big cardboard box in her hands, and he said, “Sorry – just…two more minutes, okay?”

“Take your time,” Kendra said. “But – do you mind?” She jerked her head to the side, and Sam hastily got to his feet. “Sure – no problem,” he said.

Behind him, Kendra stripped the bedclothes and bundled them into her box, while he pressed Derek’s number again.

This time, Derek actually picked up, and Sam looked as if he’d been electroshocked to attenton.

“Derek! Hey – why haven’t you been answering my calls?” he asked.

“O-kay,” Derek said. In a mock sympathetic voice, he said, “Sure we had something special, but I thought we both agreed that it was a one time thing. Dude – why are you calling me?”

“Who bought this – me or you?” Kendra asked, holding up Sam’s bedside lamp.

He covered the mouthpiece of his cellphone and said, “Uh – I don’t know. I think you…told me to buy it?” He spoke into the phone again, “Derek, is Casey okay?”

Kendra thought about it for a moment before shrugging and putting the lamp in the box.

“Casey’s never okay,” Derek said. “And it’s really not a good time – seriously, stop calling!”

“Derek – Derek!” He turned to Kendra. “He hung up.”

Kendra made a sympathetic noise before asking, “Do you have any more boxes?”

“I don’t know - you could empty the box I keep my college stuff in,” Sam offered, absently waving her in the right direction, before he hit redial on his phone.

 

*****

 

“I think we lost him,” Casey said, peering out of the alley. “Though, for the record, I was handling things in the club just fine.”

“No – that guy was _hoping_ you were going to ‘handle things’. There’s a difference.”

“That’s – not important,” she said. “The important thing is – you came through for me.”

“No I didn’t,” he denied immediately.

“You could have left me in the club,” she pointed out. “You could even have left me in the bar. But instead…you came and found me. Because you were looking out for me.” She stopped. “And – if you really thought you were telling the truth about Sam – then you’ve been looking out for me from the very first moment we met.”

“That’s not how it happened,” Derek told her.

“You _say_ that – but your actions say otherwise,” Casey said, not even thrown by his denial. She stepped into his space. “I see right through your act, Derek Venturi.”

Derek didn’t answer, and the silence stretched out, as even Casey became a little uncomfortable with the results of her moment-of-truth.

“So,” she said eventually, absorbed in playing with her cuffs, “I guess…it’s pretty late, and we should probably – head home…”

Derek considered her. “I’ve got a better idea,” he said.

 

*****

 

When Kendra exited the bedroom, a fresh box in her arms, Sheldon was standing across the room by the closed bathroom door, murmuring soothing words into the keyhole.

She dropped the box by the wall and made her way over. She smiled at Sheldon, then rapped briskly on the bathroom door.

“Um – Emily’s in there,” Sheldon said, straightening up. “She might need some time.”

“Two minutes,” Kendra assured him, then called, “Emily? Hey – it’s Kendra. I’m just wondering if you could pass out my body moisturizer? I’d leave it here, but it’s an exclusive brand and it’s not like you’d appreciate it.”

After a moment the door opened and Emily appeared, jar of body moisturizer in her hands. She held it out to Kendra, who took it, and dropped it in her box before disappearing into the bedroom again.

“Are you okay again?” Sheldon offered, in the silence that followed.

Emily brushed past him, and flopped onto the couch. “Sheldon…” she said, and stopped. “You know that girl in my school – the one who went to Australia for the year?”

Sheldon nodded.

“She just decided to go. She wanted an adventure, so…she went to Australia for a year.”

“Sounds like an adventure,” Sheldon agreed.

“Right – but…she _decided_. And yes, it was a crazy, scary adventure, but…she _planned_ for it. I didn’t plan any of this,” she said, gesturing at the coffee table heaped with invitations and plans. “And I haven’t decided on _anything_.”

“Well then…maybe you should start,” he said. He took a handful of invitations off the table and held them out to her. “Your choice,” he said.

Slowly, she took them.

 

*****

 

**“Kids – I must have called your Uncle Derek fifty times. And he didn’t pick up. Of course, later I found out that that was because…”**

“I can’t believe you signed me up to sing my songs in front of all those people.”

“That’s kind of how open mic nights work,” he told her. “And _I_ can’t believe that you kept singing, even when those people started throwing things at you. _That_ was” –

“The sign of a consummate professional?”

“ – really funny,” he decided.

“I thought it was funnier when I made you sing that duet with me.”

“No – it was funnier when people threw stuff at you,” Derek said. 

“You know, if I had the opportunity to record ‘Two Halves that Make a Whole’ again – I’d definitely do it as a duet,” Casey said contemplatively. She shook her head and snapped out of it. “And that’s nothing. I got used to people throwing things at me when I went on tour. As a matter of fact – it really helped my focus. You could bend me over backwards and I wouldn’t miss a note.”

She kept walking, but stopped when she realised that Derek was no longer following her. She turned back to see him standing completely still on the sidewalk, with a strange look on his face. “Are you okay?” she asked.

He shook his head vigorously. “Yeah – I’m…fine. It’s just…” he stopped, and pulled his cellphone out of his pocket, and held it up to his ear. “Not right now,” he said absently, and hung up. He looked back at Casey and cleared his throat. Slowly he said, “It’s just – you can’t say something like that and not expect me to…demand proof.”

Casey took a step closer to him, considering. “There’s a fruit stall just down the block from my apartment,” she said, finally. “But,” she held up a hand, “I want some non-projectile food first.”

 

*****

 

“I give up,” Sam said, putting his cellphone into his pocket. “I don’t know if she’s still with him, and I don’t know whether that would be a bad thing or a good thing. But I’m done. Really. From now on, I’m all yours.”

He turned around to see Kendra sitting on his stripped bed, in a noticeably emptier room. He frowned. “Did – something happen?”

“We broke up,” Kendra told him.

“We did? When?”

“About fifty phone calls ago.”

Sam blinked. 

“You talk about Casey a lot,” she said. “And when you’re not talking about Casey, you’re trying to track her down…” She sighed. “Let me make this simple for you. I promised myself I would never date anyone with questionable taste again. I can’t afford it – not in my line of work.”

“Wow,” Sam said. He sat down at the foot of the bed, next to Kendra. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “Maybe we can still be friends.”

Sam smiled, a little ruefully. “That – didn’t work out so well with the last person I tried it with. But…okay. Maybe this time it’ll be different.” 

“So…friends?”

He nodded. “Friends.”

“Good,” Kendra said, getting to her feet and grabbing her handbag. “Because I need you to carry some boxes for me.”

 

*****

 

The diner was crowded but it didn’t matter – by the time the waitress came by with the bill, Casey had nodded off on Derek’s shoulder for the third time. Derek gave a vigorous shrug, but this failed to dislodge her head, so he looked in the opposite direction, as if ignoring what was happening. 

Until the waitress began scribbling out their bill. “Together, or separate,” she asked.

Derek blinked at her.

“Together…or separate?” she asked again, pen moving across the paper.

He looked to his left, at the top of Casey’s head. He took a breath and said, “Uh – yeah. Together.”

The waitress handed him the bill.

 

*****

 

**“Meanwhile, with the heavy lifting done, there wasn’t a whole lot left for Kendra and I to say.”**

“I really am sorry,” Sam said, after loading the last box into the taxi.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry for you too,” Kendra assured him, patting his hand.

Sam smiled down at the ground.

“So,” she said. “Looks like that’s everything.”

“Looks like it,” Sam said, frowning at the CDs poking out the top of one of the boxes. 

“What are you going to do now?”

“I should probably go back upstairs. Get some sleep. You know.”

Kendra nodded, before stepping forward and hugging him. 

She waved as the taxi pulled away from the kerb. Sam turned to go back upstairs, but stopped. He pulled the cellphone out of his pocket, and looked at it for a second, before pressing redial one last time.

 

*****

 

**“My night with Kendra ended with us standing on the street in front of my apartment, saying goodbye - while your Uncle Derek and your Aunt Casey’s night ended with the two of them standing in front of her apartment, saying…”**

“You still want to do this?” Derek asked.

“Absolutely,” Casey said. “But – don’t you want to get some fruit? Kind of hard for me to show you my moves if you don’t have anything to throw at me.”

“Yeah. About that,” Derek said. He stuck his hands in his pockets. “I was thinking, maybe we could…skip the fruit.”

Casey looked at him. “You mean…you just want to – hang out with me?”

“Something like that,” he admitted.

“I don’t know,” she said. “Isn’t that something that only _friends_ would do?”

“Not necessarily.”

She smiled. “Looks like we’ve done an excellent job of proving my point. _Friend_.”

Derek examined her for a moment, before stepping into her space. “Or maybe we’ve been proving mine.”

She frowned. “Your point was that men and women couldn’t be friends. How are we proving that?”

Derek took another step closer, only to make an irritated sound as his cellphone rang again. He fumbled it out of his pocket, and said, “Sam – seriously, this is _not a good time_. I’m in the middle of something here.”

He rolled his eyes. “No, she’s fine.” He held the phone in front of Casey. “Say something,” he said.

“Sam? Sam, did you want to talk” –

“There. See? She’s fine – and you don’t need to call anymore to check up on her, okay? Bye!”

He hung up the phone and turned back to Casey. Who was smiling, a soft, joyful smile. “Sam was calling to check up on me?” she asked. “All night? That is so…sweet.”

Derek looked at her, and sighed.

“I mean – it’s the kind of sweet thing any friend would do, right?” she said hurriedly.

Derek didn’t answer.

“I’m not going to blow this out of proportion,” she assured herself. “I mean, it would be really stupid to fixate on someone who’s clearly involved with someone else.” She looked at Derek as if seeking his opinion.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “But then…it sounds exactly like your brand of melodrama, so…” He shrugged and began walking away.

Casey frowned. “Where are you going? I thought you were coming up to my place?”

“I changed my mind,” he said, facing her, but stepping backwards. He turned. “See you around,” he called.

“Yeah – you will,” Casey called. “Because we’re friends now!”

Derek flicked his hand as he kept walking away.

“We are!” she yelled. “Because – maybe you don’t know this yet, but – you can’t just go backwards after a big emotional breakthrough!”

He didn’t answer. 

“You can’t,” she said again. She watched until he turned the corner, gone from sight, and then she climbed the steps to her apartment building, smiling to herself.

 

*****

 

**“Dad…is this story going where I think it’s going? Because, if so…that’s really weird.”**

**“Yeah. I’m thinking about registering a formal complaint. I think making us sit through the saga of how you used to think Aunt Casey was hot qualifies as child abuse.”**

**“Well, now I have to keep going – because you two have the wrong idea.”**

**“You mean – you _didn’t_ like Aunt Casey like that?”**

**“Well…no, I did – but my feelings for your Aunt Casey played a vital part in how I eventually met your mother.”**

**“…and now I’m starting to wonder how we avoided being raised in a commune.”**


End file.
